My Life WILL Change … 10 December, 2009

This evening, I attended my second informational seminar about bariatric surgery — this time with my husband. We decided to attend a second seminar because, while John as always been supportive of my interest in weight loss surgery, he didn’t know much about the actual process or procedure, and as you might recall, I was late to the first seminar because I got lost on the way there.

I am so glad that we went! Before the doctor’s presentation, two patients gave testimonials — one who had RNY surgery and one who had the lapband procedure. Even though I’ve heard lots of before-and-after stories online, it was so good to see and talk with someone in person who has had the procedure done. I’ve done enough research that I didn’t have any questions for her, but I enjoyed watching her interact with the people who did. She’s lost 171 pounds in about 15 months! I know that’s not typical, but it was encouraging anyway. She was full of enthusiasm for the doctor and the surgery itself. She even showed us her floppy skin!

The doctor’s presentation was interesting and informative, as you might expect. At the first presentation I attended, the projector was broken so the doctor didn’t have his powerpoint slides to go by; he just winged it. Tonight’s presentation was more formal, but more educational, too. I really liked his energy and his dry sense of humor.

I already had my patient profile filled out, so I turned it in at the end of the night rather than waiting until tomorrow to mail it. I’m on my way! They will call me within a couple of weeks (they are a little backed up because of the holidays) to set up my consultation. The office staff person who talked about procedure and paperwork (coincidentally, the same woman who had the RNY surgery) mentioned that there are certain clearances that each patient has to have (psych eval, upper GI,etc.). She encouraged us to go ahead and schedule those while we were waiting for the consultation appointment to arrive. I guess tomorrow, I’ll start working on that! Now that I’ve decided to do this, I want to do it as quickly as possible!

It looks like John will be out of town for most of January, so I’m hoping for a February surgery date. I don’t want time to let the enthusiasm that I feel now to wane. I’m so hopeful and excited. I understand that this isn’t a panacea for all my problems, but I see it as an awesome opportunity! If I’m able to make this one change in my life — this change that I had given up on making — what other changes can I make? I see this as a way to get the momentum going to really affect change in the rest of my life.

In October, I made out a plan for 2010, addressing the areas in my life where I want to see growth, improvement and/or change. It was an exciting exercise, as life is full of possibilities. But it also felt like an exercise in futility. Why? Because there was a part of me that was saying to myself, “You’re just wasting your time; you’re not a person who follows through.” But what if I am? What if I have this surgery, follow the rules and change this one aspect of my life? What else can I do?

It boggles my mind …

Worthiness Issues … 2 December, 2009

I’ve been thinking about my life.

I’ve been in quite the tailspin, food-wise, for about the past week or 10 days. I’ve been eating everything that isn’t nailed down! When I try to figure out what I’m feeling that is driving me to eat, the only thing I can come up with is a sense of immediacy or urgency, and I’m not sure what that’s about. Part of it may be thoughts of the dieting and restriction that comes with lapband surgery. In the past, just thinking about dieting would trigger my sense of deprivation – long before I actually felt deprived! – and cause me to want to overeat. I assume there is some of that going on here. But I think there is more to it than that.

A few years ago I discovered that my core issue had to do with my sense of worthiness – or, more appropriately, a lack thereof. I won’t bore you with a long story of my childhood (which was probably no worse than yours). Let’s just say that I haven’t always had a clear sense of boundaries or of my own value as a person. I’ve done a lot of work in this area and have made some progress, but still have a way to go. My therapist died a couple of years ago, as we were working on this issue. It took me awhile to  decide on a new therapist, get into the routine and establish trust. I’m seeing my deceased therapist’s husband so the trust issue didn’t take as long as it might have. We bonded in our mutual grief.

There were immediate issues to deal with and we never got back to talking about my core issue. I was feeling pretty good about myself and let it lie. I even stopped therapy in May, because I was feeling so good about myself and my life. Learning about the Law of Attraction has given me a lot of hope and gone far to improve my sense of self.

Improve it, but not fix it. I have come to realize that this is still my core issue, and in spite of my better feelings, I’m still fighting it; it’s still getting in the way. There is a part of me that is excited and hopeful about the results of surgery. I know it’s not a miracle cure, but even the idea that I would have a tool to help keep me honest while I worked on my relationship with good is pretty damn exciting to me! I know my life won’t change overnight, and that, when it comes down to it, I’ll still be me, with all of my issues and quirks – albeit a thinner me.

But part of me – the part that doesn’t really believe in me – is questioning whether I’ll be the one it doesn’t work for. That part of me is telling me, “You’ve always been fat, you always will be fat, and this drastic action isn’t going to help any. You don’t have what it takes to make the necessary changes.” Another part of me – a tiny, but insistent part of me – is saying, “You can do this! This tool has helped thousands, and it can help you, too!” I think it’s this conflict, this dissonance, that is causing me to eat right now. I sense that I’m in an important place in my life, but I don’t really know what to do next.

Luckily, several weeks ago, I made an appointment with my therapist – and this appointment just happens to be tomorrow! I didn’t really know why I was making the appointment at the time; I just felt inspired to do it. Now I see that the timing is Divine; it’s time to get back to my worthiness issues before surgery. I’ve wanted, since the very beginning of my lapband journey, to make sure my head was in the right place where food, eating plans, and potential surgery are concerned. I wasn’t sure how to go about that, but now I have something to work on.

I’m almost excited about therapy tomorrow!

I Survived! 27 November, 2009

Actually, yesterday was a pretty wonderful day. I got to do three things that I really enjoy: cook, entertain loved ones, and listen to good music. The survival part came from the way I felt doing it — great emotionally, piss-poor physically. It was a two-Vicodin day, and really, I could have taken a third one while I was cooking, but didn’t want that much Vicodin in my system while I was preparing dinner. So, I waited until bedtime and took it then (I take at least one every night to help me sleep. It relieves pain and seems to help my Restless Leg Syndrome.) — and slept like a baby for about 14 hours. I was up for about half an hour during the night, and woke up a few times to re-arrange myself.

This just re-enforces my determination to do something about my weight. I am, even as I write this, miserable. My feet and ankles hurt so badly that I can barely walk from the bedroom to the kitchen. In fact, I kind of shuffle.  I am still so weak from my time in the hospital that it’s pathetic. I’m simply unable to carry my body weight any longer. If it didn’t hurt so much to be in bed, I could easily become bedridden at this point. That’s sad.

On the plus side, I have found a solution to my problem. I don’t expect getting banded to be the “end-all-be-all” of weight loss strategies, but I do expect it to help me where I can’t help myself. Portion control is a big issue for me, and I expect help there, but I also know it’s gonna take work on my part. I didn’t get to the size I am just by having out-of-control portions. There’s a definite emotional component to my eating, too, and I don’t really know how to address that. I’m going to have to find other ways to deal with boredom, loneliness and anxiety. I’ve decided to go back into therapy for a while and really take advantage of the next couple of months until I can be banded. I’m not expecting a significant weight loss, but rather, I’m hoping to improve my relationship with food and come up with some coping strategies for those non-hunger times I eat.

It  may be February before I can get banded, since it looks like John (the husband) will be out of town for most of January with work. I don’t think he’d appreciate my having the procedure done while he’s gone for so long. I could always recuperate with his parents for a few days, but because of the cats I couldn’t be gone for longer than three days. While I’d probably be perfectly fine after that, he’d worry about something happening and me being all alone. That would keep him from adequately focusing on the work issues that are taking him out of town, and that’s not fair to him. I had hoped to have it done right after the first of the year, so that I could hopefully be out of the mushies stage by my birthday in mid-February. Maybe I’ll just look at getting banded in February as my birthday present!

Hope all my US readers had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that the non-US readers had something to be thankful for!

ABCs of Me! 26 November, 2009

I’ve seen this on several lapband blogs; I thought I’d give it a go while I wait for time to put the turkey in the oven.

A

- Age: 45 — 46 in a few months

- Annoyance: Bad drivers

- Animal: Cats

- Actor: Jensen Ackles, from Supernatural. BABY!!!

B

- Beer: Rarely, but when I do drink a beer, I prefer something dark.

- Birthday/Birthplace: February 11, 1964 — Norfolk, VA

- Body Part on opposite sex: Eyes and smile

- Been in Love: Yes — and still am!

- Been bitched at: Yes — and probably bitched back!

- Believe in yourself?: It goes in cycles. I’m hoping to make it a more everyday occurance.

- Believe in God: Not in the Judeo/Christian sense.

- Before weight: 323 – As of today: 323- Lowest Weight Ever: 265, in recent years – Goal Weight: 153 lbs (I’m not banded yet)

C

- Car: Red Saturn 3-Door

- Candy: Butterfinger Crisp

- Color: Pink or Purple

- Cried in school: Not that I remember

- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate

- Chinese/Mexican: Chinese, definitely

- Cake or pie: Cake — with lots of bakery frosting!

- Country to visit: Scotland, Australia, Italy, France

- Countries Visited: I’ve never been out of country

D

- Day or Night: Night

- Do the splits?: Never could

E

- Eggs: Fried, over hard, or scrambled

- Eyes: Hazel

F

- First crush: Kym Iske. I wonder what he’s up to now …

- First thoughts waking up: Is there a cat asleep on my chest?

- Food: No peas!!!

G

- Greatest Fear: It’s totally irrantional, but someone breaking in and viciously killing my cats.

- Goals: To be a working, selling artist … To lose the extra weight

- Get along with your parents?: My dad has passed away, but we got along well when he was alive. Still get along well with my mother.

- Good luck charm: Don’t really have one.

H

- Hair Color: Brown

- Height: 5’7″

- Happy: Most of the time

- Holiday: Thanksgiving, because I cook the meal — and I LOVE to cook and entertain.

- Health freak?: Not really, but I’m hoping to become a little bit more of one.

- Hate: Rude or bad drivers.

I

- Ice Cream: Peach Sorbet these days

- Instrument: Played clarinet in junior high (a million years ago) and piano, but haven’t played either in many years

J

- Jewelry: I don’t wear any, but prefer white gold to yellow

- Job: I don’t work.

K

- Kids: Three cats!

- Kickboxing or karate: Neither

- Keep a journal? I dabble in art journaling and occasionally do feel the need to write things down.

L

- Longest Car Ride: Three days from Arkansas to Southern Californai

- Love: My family, first and foremost. The wind in my hair, and the smell of hay.

- Laughed so hard you cried: Yes

- Love at first sight: Once, but not usually.

M

- Milk flavor: Chocolate

- Movie: Notting Hill — at least today

- Mooned anyone?: No

- Marriage: Yes! And I have a great one!

- Motion sickness? No

- McD’s or BK: McD’s

N

- Number of Siblings: Two living, two deceased.

- Number of Piercings: Regular pierced ears and my navel

- Number of tattoos: No

- Number: Anything prime.

O

- One wish: To sell more of my artwork

P

- Place you’d like to live:  Where I live now! Or Arkansas

- Perfect Pizza: Canadian bacon and pineapple

- Pepsi/Coke: Diet Pepsi most of the time, but I’m also partial to Sonic’s Vanilla Coke

Q

- Questionnaires: Usually never get around to answering them

R

- Reason to cry: I don’t cry often, but sometimes I am overwhelmed with love for my husband, and that will bring tears to my eyes.

- Reality T.V.: No thanks

-Roll your tongue in a circle?: Nope. Can’t even whistle!

S

- Song: If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

- Shoe size: 9

- Salad Dressing: Bleu Cheese

- Skipped school: Yes

- Smoking: Never

- Sing well?: I can carry a tune …

- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries

T

- Time for bed: Generally in bed by midnight

- Thunderstorms: Love’em!

- TV: Not much. Watching Flash Forward on abc.com

U

- Unpredictable: I try to be, but rarely make it.

V

- Vegetable you hate: Peas

- Vegetable you love: Cucumbers

- Vacation spot: Usually Arkansas

W

- Weakness: Ice cream

- When you grow up: I’ve wanted to be almost everything! LOL!

- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Jane, even though we’re quite different, too

- Wanted to be a model?: I entertained the idea for a short while when I was younger, but never seriously

X

-X-Rays: Several

Y

-Year it is now: 2009, for a little while longer.

-Yellow: Not my favorite color!

Z

- Zoo: Loved to go when I got around better.

- Zodiac sign: Aquarious

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving! 25 November, 2009

Are you ready??? I’m not, but I’m working my way there!

We are having a small Thanksgiving dinner — just my husband, his parents and me, and not too much food. Well, probably too much food, but nothing like I the spreads I grew up with! In my mother’s house, everyone who didn’t have some place to go came to our house, and we cooked for three days to prepare. I’d love to have Thanksgiving like that — all my friends and family surrounding me — but truly, I think the in-laws would freak a bit, to have people they didn’t know very well at a holiday meal! I’m especially going to enjoy the holidays this year, since my lifestyle will change so drastically shortly thereafter. Not to say that I’m going to pig out extra — in fact, I suspect that I won’t eat as much as I have in past — but I’m certainly going to savor the experience!

On the menu:

• Shrimp Cocktail
• Turkey
• Dressing
• Mashed Potatoes
• Gravy
• Brussel Sprouts
• Cornbread
• Jellied Cranberry Sauce
• Whole Cranberry Sauce
• Green Salad
• Whatever my in-laws bring for dessert

I’ve got the cornbread and biscuits baked and drying out for my dressing. I’ll crumble them tonight so I can be ready to start cooking first thing in the morning. Dinner is at 3:00 PM.

What am I thankful for this year?

• My health, such as it is, and the health of my loved ones
• My husband’s job
• The house we moved into this year (we’re renting, but we love our home)
• The health of our three cats; they are my babies!
• The encouragement & support I’ve received — from both loved ones and strangers (that means YOU!) — about my decision to have the LapBand surgery
• My husband’s safety (he’s National Guard and has never been deployed)
• Our great country
• My artwork
• My success with and progress in working with the Law of Attraction
• The love of my friends and family
• The improvement in our financial situation since this time last year
• Did I mention our lovely home?

I’m sure there is so much more to be thankful for, but that’s it for now. Time to dry the dishes in the sink and get on with my plan!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Doctor Referral 24 November, 2009

I went to the doctor today, to establish with a new Primary Care Physician. I waited HOURS to see him, but he took his time with me and listened to my concerns. He’s the doctor that, in the hospital, suggested that I consider lapband surgery “somewhere down the road”.  As you know, I took his advice to heart and started researching almost the minute I walked in the door that day.

During our visit today, I told him about the research I’d done, and that I wanted a referral. I was afraid that he might say “Let me follow you for a few months” or “Let me get to know you better first”, but he said neither of these things. Instead, he wrote me a referral to the surgeon on my choice! Now, I just need to finish up with my paperwork and get all this in the mail as soon as I can.

What’s holding me up on the paperwork is a section on medications. Providing the doctor with a list of my current medications was no problem — but there is also a section asking what medications I’ve taken in the past 12 months! Since I just spent a week in the hospital, I have no idea what medications and dosages where given to me. Oh, the nurse informed me each time he/she gave me meds, but I really don’t remember what they were! I guess I’ll call the hospital tomorrow and see how I can find out this information.

Seminar Report! 23 November, 2009

I attended my seminar Saturday morning, and I’m more excited and convinced that this is what I want to do than ever!

I was a little late, because I had trouble finding the building, so I missed the beginning of the meeting. And, since it turned out that there was no projector available, this gig wasn’t Dr. Krahn’s standard presentation. I think I’ll attend again in December and take my DH along.  The good doctor (I really liked him!) also does gastric bypass, so the seminar included information about both procedures. I’m less against bypass than I was, but still not wanting to have it. I really want the slower weight loss and the less invasive procedure of the lapband. He spent plenty of time taking questions, but I didn’t really have any because of all the research I’ve already done.

I did talk with the doctor after the meeting about my psych issues, because my MIL was afraid that they would disqualify me. I have Bipolar Disorder (Type I), some generalized anxiety, and a history of depression. Dr. Krahn assured me that those issues, as long as they are stabilized, would not bar me from approval. I was hospitalized in May because of these issues because I got off my meds. I have not missed a dosage since then, except when I was in the hospital this last time and they didn’t give me my psych meds for two days.

So, I’m ready for my next step. I’ve got 14 pages of paperwork to fill out and mail in before they will make an appointment for my consultation. Consults will be hard to come by this time of year, because Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve are both on Thursday, which is Dr. Krahn’s office day. I may not get an appointment until after the first of the year, then surgery can be scheduled for 4-12 weeks out, depending on how fast I can get my pre-op testing taken care of, and how quickly the insurance company responds. I hear I have good insurance where WLS is concerned, so I’m not expecting any problems there.

Shopping Today! 18 November, 2009

Made a quick trip to the “local” Lane Bryant today to buy a pair of jeans. Why on earth, you ask, would I buy new clothes when I’m pretty strongly considering having weight loss surgery? Because when I put on my last pair of clean jeans last night, I had to lie back on the bed to button and zip them! Granted, they are my “skinny jeans”, but they are the only jeans I had to wear! And it’s not like all my other jeans fit so much better! I was miserable eating my dinner. I couldn’t even take a deep breathe. So, this morning, I woke up and hot-footed the 30+ miles to Lane Bryant for a pair in the next size up … a size 28 (Well, a LB size 8, cause they size their jeans weird!). I was crushed, but they are so comfortable that they will probably become my everyday jeans. I bought a sweater and cami too, so I earned $50 Real Womans. I can go back in December and buy more jeans!

I felt funny in LB today, as I usually do. Twenty-some-odd years ago, I worked at Lane Bryant and loved it. Obviously, I loved the discount (I was quite the fashionista back then), but I also loved seeing young women coming in, trying on attractive clothes that fit them, and seeing the difference it made for them. It was very rewarding. Back then, even though I wore a 24 or 26 (depending on the cut), I felt pretty hot and attractive. I always did my hair and wore make-up. I carried myself well. I was confident, and rarely thought about my weight — and needless to say, others rarely did either. In fact, if asked, I probably couldn’t have picked my body out of a line-up; I really had no clue what I looked like from the outside. I probably thought I was much smaller than I actually am.

Now, it’s very different. I’m extremely conscious of my size, and I think every one else is too. How could they not be, when I may very well be the largest person they know? I no longer feel comfortable in my own body, and I’m afraid that it shows in the way I treat myself, in the way I carry myself. I am constantly projecting onto other people the nasty thoughts in my head. This is so different than I was 40 — or even 30 — pounds ago.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do.

Change Of Plans … 17 November, 2009

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about lapband surgery the past few days and had even made an appointment for a consult and reserved space at a free seminar being held in my area. I was very excited and a bit nervous about both. Then I found a lapband forum and starting reading about other people’s experiences. Apparently, the center where I was considering having the surgery done is considered a “band mill” by many, with some questionable practices. Well, I certainly don’t want to be a part of that! So, I started investigating other options. That was the only center in my area that did the procedure, but I found a doctor about 50 miles away, in a city near a town that I visit often. It would be completely doable for follow-ups. I visited his website, and his clinic is even considered to be a “Center of Excellence”, whatever that means! I sent them an email in the middle of the night to see if they accept our insurance. If they do, I’ll sign up for a seminar with him.

I’m still on the fence about the surgery, but as I told Jane yesterday: If someone told me that I had to make the decision right now, that I would never have another opportunity to do this, I’d say yes!

Where I Am Now … 15 November, 2009

So, where am I in the process of making this life-altering decision?

Last night, I did some research on the lap band procedure over the internet. I read a bit about the actual operation and I listened to some testimonials on youtube. Then, as blogger, I went in search of blogs about the lap band procedure. I found a delightful blog by a young Australian woman who calls herself simply “Lap Band Girl”. She is open and honest about the trials and tribulations of being banded. She’s talked about the trouble she’s had eating certain foods and keeping them down, and about how marvelous it feels to lose weight. She’s losing weight very slowly, so it seems realistic and doable to me.

Last night, when I was doing research, I filled out an “insurance verification” form to a local clinic on a whim. Within probably an hour, I got a phone call from the nicest guy to follow up on my request. Henry was great at putting me at ease with the conversation. We booked a consultation for me on November 28 at 1:00 PM. He explained the process to me (which I’ll share with you as I go through it) and asked me to call him back after the consultation to tell him how it went, to talk about my insurance, and to talk about the next steps. He said that he wanted me to feel as though I was his client, as well as the doctor’s. He said that he’d be with me every step of the way. That was so comforting and assuring that I almost cried! Just reaching out and sending in the form was a major deal for me, and he helped me feel good about my decision to do that, rather than embarrassed.

If I don’t have the lap band done, I have to do something. I am 5’7″ tall, and I weigh 323.3 pounds and I’m gaining weight at an alarming rate. I’m being treated for high blood pressure, high cholesterol (although I’m happy to announce that according to my last test, my cholesterol was only 118) and diabetes. I suffer from chronic lower back and upper leg pain. I have bad knees and sore feet. I am generally weak and have occasional bouts of shortness of breathe. I wear a 26/28 — tightly — but probably would wear a 30/32 if I could find them. Actually, in a top, I often buy a 5x (30/32) in Just My Size brands from Wal-Mart. I can’t even buy clothes in a Lane Bryant anymore, I suspect!

I am so pre-occupied with and conscious of my size that I project comments onto others regularly. I’m constantly afraid of what other people are thinking about me, because I may very well be the largest person they know. I’m afraid people won’t like me, that they will judge me or otherwise think badly of me because of my weight. I hate flying in airplanes because of my size. I have trouble even shopping at Wal-Mart or the grocery store, because I’m starting to have troubles getting around.

So, I think the decision has been made, unless we just can’t afford it or I learn something unexpectedly hideous in the next few weeks. Henry suggested that I could have it done between Thanksgiving and Christmas if I wanted to, but I think I’d rather wait until after the first of the year, so I don’t have to worry about food during the holidays!